Happiness– Linked To What We Think

Posted on April 29, 2012 by Peppy

 

Are you a happy person? If you were asked that question how would you respond? Do you need to break your life down into sections then weed out the areas that leave you feeling flat and pull forward the ones you feel are the closest to being happy?

 

I’ve been thinking about happiness quite a bit lately – what makes me happy or rather, more to the point, I’ve been wondering why it is I feel a genuine inner happiness now even though I’m living with the daily challenges of ALS along with the quiet fear my breast cancer will return; however, there have been so many phases in my life when I felt really low, unhappy, and yet I was a healthy active person leading a full life. What’s up with that?

 

Well, that’s what I’ve been wanting to figure out. It has become clear, at least to me, that happiness isn’t really a by-product of a specific life situation or circumstance. Though I must admit that I did have a tendency to link aspects of my happiness to the tangible things in life – the things beyond myself. But I’ve since learned the tangibles of life are really nothing more than what I call ‘life-fillers’. Those things are nice and, yes, I absolutely admit to feeling an initial joy and/or excitement when finding that perfect pair of shoes or making plans to redecorate a room – but it is just that … the enjoyment of an isolated something that has zippo to do with my feeling genuinely happy. Because that, I have since discovered, comes from within myself.

 

It isn’t that I am always giddily happy with a goofy smile on my face … hmm, well, uh, actually, come to think of it, when it comes to the smile I do hear frequent comments about always having one on my face – but they’ve never said it was goofy … at least not to my face. The point is I’m not in some perpetual happy state of mind. There are days it takes a lot of effort to control my thoughts – to keep my mind from wallowing in negative thinking. Of course, I’m certainly not trying to imply I can always control my thoughts – I can’t and I don’t.

 

It’s the pattern of thinking I’m referring to here – the way I approach each day and what my mindset is regarding everything going on in my life as well as those who are a part of my life. I no longer allow myself to mull over things that I have no control over or I can’t change… and again that pertains to everything going on in my life as well as those who are a part of my life.

 

Learning to let go of thoughts pertaining to things I have no control over or can’t change was quite a challenge … a true inner struggle … until a conversation with Gene. Ah, my dear hubby Gene. He has a way of helping me to look at myself to see traits I may be overlooking, well, or ignoring. That’s when I learned that perhaps what I needed was to work on humility. Huh? It was in that split second when all sorts of thoughts surged through my mind – and no, none were anywhere near being positive – that I knew he was on to something. Oh, okay, he was right.

 

I had never equated my tendency to mentally hash over unchangeable/uncontrollable issues with a lack of humility and/or modesty. And yet, really, those are the very qualities needed any time a matter is out of our hands or none of our business. Knowing our limitations, shortcomings, and weaknesses can help circumvent any tendency to “take on life” alone – as though we are the only one capable of doing everything. It is then we can let go of whatever issues or people problems that are weighing down our thoughts and leaving us feeling unhappy with ourselves, our family, friends or life.

 

It isn’t that I don’t think about problems or ignore those of my family or friends. I don’t, uh, I mean I do, but I’ve also learned that in most cases the only thing I can change is my attitude – and that is accomplished only when I change my thinking. You see, we always come back to our thoughts … making a link to what we think and how we feel about ourselves, our family, friends … our life.

 

So, if you want to be happy just close your eyes, click your heels 3 times, and say “I think I am, I think I am ….  if you end up in Kansas, well, you’re on your own.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Alone But Not Lonely

Posted on March 29, 2012 by Peppy

Are you afraid to be alone? Do you hate to shop, eat, play or work alone? For many, being alone is something to fear, to dread, and they avoid it at all costs. I know I have gone through times in my life when it was unthinkable for me to do something, anything, alone. After all, when we have people around us then we won’t be – we can’t be – lonely, right? At least, that is what I used to think. However, since the change in my circumstances I have had to rethink what connection, if any, between being alone and feeling lonely.

 

Like so much of everything else in life, there is the tendency to look outwards when it comes to our feeling love, happiness, fulfillment, etc. It is the same when it comes to loneliness – we think loneliness is about people so if we want to avoid loneliness we need to be around people. Now, that may prevent us from literally being alone but it doesn’t necessarily prevent us from feeling lonely. That is why it is possible to be in a crowd of people yet feel all alone. Or, as I have discovered, why we can be alone and not feel lonely at all.

 

There is a sense of personal responsibility that must be tapped into, even a measure of humility, to see that most of what woes our hearts and minds comes from within our own self. As an able-bodied person, any time I was having a low day, feeling lonely or whatever, I could quickly and readily be with my friends by picking up a phone or jumping in my car. Now that illness has altered the way I interact with people  – I can’t talk on a phone nor jump in my car – I am alone quite a bit. And yet, I can honestly say I rarely feel lonely! I had to ask myself what was it that was preventing me from feeling lonely though alone.

 

Upon taking a hard look at myself I saw the biggest difference was my attitude. As the illness eroded into my daily ability to interact with life, my challenge was figuring out how to embrace these “new” life circumstances without accepting them. I refuse to accept this illness – I feel if I accept it then I will begin giving in to it. This is the attitude that keeps me fighting … and ultimately prevents me from feeling lonely. How? Because I keep my mind busy, active, in various positive and/or productive ways.

 

That is when I came to see the role attitude plays in most feelings of loneliness. In my situation I have seen the connection between my choosing to feed my mind with things that contribute to a joyful, happy, contented mindset and my actually feeling that way. Oh, don’t get me wrong. I am not Ms. Suzy Sunshine 24/7 … I will readily admit to having days where I feel angry, sad or scared because of this illness and how it impacts my every waking moment. However, I just don’t allow myself to linger in those negative feelings – and sometimes it can be a real inner struggle because it’s as though I just want to drown in them.

 

Yet, I know that would be a miserable existence … not only for me but for Gene and everyone else in my life. Actually, I would probably find myself truly alone if I was regularly negative while nurturing a complaining state of mind … and I have no doubt that such an ugly disposition would really leave me feeling lonely.

 

Yes, the mind is truly an amazing thing. To think that by being selective in what I fill it with each day, I am able to rise above my circumstances and feel a sense of enrichment, purpose, excitement, etc. There are so many things I cannot control when it comes to my illness and the way it affects my life – however, I can control what I think about, ponder, meditate on, dream, hope for … on and on it can go. It is an endless opportunity to control an aspect, a very important and vital aspect, of my life – the way I think about everything – and I can make it as miserable and lonely as I want or as enriching, lovely, engaging, and enjoyable as I want.

 

Now, I hope I’m not sounding a bit of a ‘brag-a-diva’ here because, though it is something that must come from within, it is fueled by the special people in my life. I am ever so thankful,  and appreciative, for having friends and family who have remained a part of my life – because it has been their special qualities, their own positive way of seeing life and the way they share it with me that has helped influence my drive to keep fighting by maintaining an overall positive attitude.

 

It is possible to be alone without being lonely. In fact, I have finally learned to be comfortable with my own company. And when I do get together with my friends there is a genuine spirit of camaraderie while we talk about anything and everything. So, whether I am with Gene, my sisters, my friends … or all by myself …. I think of my life as being full and enriched therefore I feel my life is that way.

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My Big Ideas – Why I Need To See Things Clearly

Posted on March 2, 2012 by Peppy

Big ideas. That is what goes through my mind whenever I come up with some sort of schedule for the month ahead only to find very little was accomplished because I lost focus. And what contributed to my loss of focus? My big ideas.

 

Writing has always been an outlet for me and the reasons that first compelled me to start this blog continue to influence my hopes to keep it active. However, I have always wanted to write a book. Yes, you heard correctly, I said I’ve always wanted to write a book.

 

That comes under the heading of big ideas – and is what caused me to lose focus. Well, actually it started with an article raving about a training program for self publishing on Kindle. After researching some reviews on it, etc. I decided to join and, well, I’ve been so focused on that to the point of losing balance and getting behind on everything else.

 

My first project was to get a book published on Kindle. The point is gaining experience so it was to be something short – in fact, I had to laugh because after the book is published I was told I should buy a copy … so to have at least one sale! I’ve decided to give my sisters the money to buy a copy too. Then I’ll have three sales.

 

I also want to start posting regularly or at least once a week here but must admit to a bit of a struggle within myself. I have been questioning who I think I am to think there is anything about my life experiences that could really matter to anyone other than me and my family. After all is said and done, however, I do feel the insights into how illness impacts relationships, influences attitudes, etc. is worth sharing …. and I do enjoy it.

 

I know it is easy to lose interest in a blog that remains the same for long periods of time therefore, I certainly appreciate the support of those who have continued to take the time to stop by. Part of the problem is that in my mind I am still able to do what I once could before ALS entered my life – it’s a mindset I just can’t seem to change to fit my current circumstances. But I’m also not so sure that it is necessarily a bad thing. I mean, it keeps me from seeing myself as, well, I guess as I really am … unable to do the things I want to do.

 

Until now, that is, because …. drum roll here …. my book is ready to be published! No, I don’t have any delusions about myself as a writer – I just hope everyone else does. When it goes live on Kindle I will be sure to share that little tidbit here. To do that I need to hit the “submit” button …. ahhh, me and my big ideas.

 

Oh, the name of the book is “Mama’s Boy” and is a short story dedicated to my brother.

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Chasing Beauty

Posted on January 26, 2012 by Peppy

As consumers we are constantly bombarded with slick images of beautiful people enjoying life in beautiful places while surrounded by beautiful things. The message is clear, beauty is the ticket to gaining everything and anything one could ever want.  Yes, the bombardment of ‘beauty propaganda’ has skewed our very perception of beauty and its value: beauty = success, love, and happiness.

 

And yet, even though we will staunchly assert we believe real beauty comes from within, there are the inevitable traps that, if not careful, has us ‘chasing beauty’ whatever the cost. I mean, we can’t help it when considering all the slick marketing we are bombarded with in television commercials, magazine ads, billboard imagery, etc.

 

Fortunately I had two strong influential aspects from my childhood that prevented me from chasing beauty: parents and siblings. Though my mother would stress the importance of “putting your best foot forward” in dress, grooming, and manners she made it clear that it is what and who we are at heart that really matters.

 

Of course, my siblings kept me humble when it came to looks through the constant critiques or reminders of all imperfections and flaws. For instance, by pointing out the zit on the tip of my nose for the millionth time. And, speaking of my nose, I can’t even begin to recount the countless nose jokes I grew up hearing.

 

Now, I’m not saying I was immune to the concerns, worries or insecurities regarding my looks because, after all, I was a typical teen – but I’ve never been consumed with my looks. And while I can appreciate beauty I’ve never been able to understand the power it wields … from being used as a manipulator for selfish gains to compelling girls to, literally, starve themselves to death.

 

What’s sad to me is how hard we can be on ourselves as women, wives, friends, sisters, and mothers when it comes to looks in general and weight in particular. The perception of beauty has been skewed because we have allowed technology, such as Photoshop, to define it for us. In Photoshop world the only dimples you see are as exclamations on a gorgeous sparkly white toothy smile and every body is svelte and toned.

 

Why am I talking about this? Because so many are chasing beauty – well, an unrealistic definition of beauty – to the detriment of their health, their sense of worth, their emotional well-being, and happiness. And for what? To look like an image that has been re-touched so much that it doesn’t even look like the woman that posed for the picture. And yet, think about this: at some point looks have to be backed up with something more meaningful.

 

For instance, we all have met people whose physical beauty was ‘betrayed’ by an ugly personality and in no time at all we begin to see the person through their personality … ugly. What is so wonderful about this, however, is it also works in reverse – people who may not be pure beauties physically become transformed by a beautiful personality and we quickly start to see them as beautiful.

 

Is the way we see beauty really that important? I think so – at least, that’s the conclusion I’ve come to from my own personal experience. Why? Because if my relationship with my husband was established on looks, well, I’d be in a lot of trouble … we would be in a lot of trouble … and probably would not be enjoying a close relationship now. Why? Because my disease has been having fun rearranging the way my body looks.

 

Just call me Mrs. Potato Head. Remember those silly toys? First it was a Mr. Potato Head until a company ‘suit’ decided to introduce a Mrs. to the line – hey, all things equal when it comes to playing with looks … and they start early with ‘it’ being all about looks. Anyway, I’m far from the, uh, hee, hee, wink, beauty that Gene married. Actually, my sister, CJ,  would probably say I would never have been able to run fast enough to chase down all the beauty help needed to give me the right to even joke about being one.

 

However, in all seriousness, I not only struggle with the way illness has impacted my looks in general but particularly how I look to my husband.  I have a feeding tube in my stomach … I have a tracheotomy in my neck … I have an ugly red scar where my right breast was removed … and, while I’ve alluded to the next thing I’ve never had the guts to just say it – but it must be included because it’s part of what affects my self esteem regarding how I look … I have to sleep wearing a diaper. I cringe inside when Gene has to look at me even though he has only been wonderful about everything.

 

I’m not alone when it comes to experiencing something that has drastically changed my body. I think of my sister, JB, and how she is having to face this very issue as a new amputee … and her amputation is as high as is possible before having to have part of the pelvis removed. I think of all the faceless, nameless women with mastectomies, limb amputations, are burn survivors, or have some sort of paralysis.

 

If everyone in any aforementioned situation has gone through life chasing beauty because of believing looks are needed to succeed in life and love – what happens when the “image” has been distorted from illness or injury? Sadly, I’ve heard numerous stories of women who have found themselves alone because their mate couldn’t handle touching let alone looking at their altered body.

 

Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate beauty as does Gene. I care about my appearance and looking my best. Yes, I like it when Gene comments on how I look before we head out the door … but first and foremost, I want to be valued for who I am – I want to be loved for what I contribute to our relationship and not because I have abs of steel. Okay, I don’t have abs of steel but I’m just saying, you know, I wouldn’t want to be loved for something so superficial.

 

I know the thoughts and feelings expressed here really don’t amount to anything more than words on a screen because chasing beauty springs from an individual mindset – it’s a personal issue that everyone must decide for themselves. However, I hope that by sharing what I’ve learned through my experience will motivate others to give serious thought as to their true feelings regarding the role looks plays in their lives – the energy expended in trying to look like an image that no human could realistically attain.

 

Come on, Ladies, it’s time we embrace who we are – curves and all – with a sense of verve because, if nothing else, we’re alive … we’re a part of this awesome universe and we share our little piece of it with people we love. And, I don’t know about you, but when I look at the people in my life I see them all as quite beautiful.

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Running With Scissors

Posted on December 19, 2011 by Peppy

 

Growing up, I was forever hearing cliché’s meant to teach the uncertainties any given action may carry – that in life we have consequences that stem from those actions. Sometimes I’ve wondered if my mother’s penchant for having a warning cliché for just about everything influenced the way I became hesitant to step outside my comfort zone.

 

For whatever reason, I started to ponder the way I allowed fear to shape many of the choices I made in life. So it was from such ponderings that I looked at Gene and said “I should have ran with scissors.” He had a cute expression on his face while saying he thought that was a good title for a blog post.

 

It became clear our conversation was following two different paths. That isn’t unusual because of the way my tracheotomy impacts my voice. However, though it is something I’m used to, I must admit to frustration being my usual reaction. Yet, this made me chuckle because he had just settled the debate I had been having with myself on whether to put my ponderings in writing. Not to mention giving me the title.

 

It’s not that I think careless chances should be taken or the consideration of any consequences of an action should be ignored. In fact, I feel discernment and/or thinking a matter through is vital to making wise decisions/choices. So, no, I’m not endorsing the “throw caution to the wind” approach to life … but, rather, finding the balance and knowing how to identify chances we should take in life.

 

Once again, it is what I’ve learned through my illness that has been the instigation of these particular thoughts. I especially find myself going down this road when some aspect of function is starting to be impacted – the less I can do the more I feel angry with myself for missing out on certain life chances. Well, let me rephrase that … it’s not that I missed the chances, rather, it’s that I allowed fear, from the unknown consequences, to influence my decisions.

 

The irony, at least to me, is that after living with this disease that continues to slowly rob me of physical strength while reminding me in certain ways that it will eventually rob me of my life, I have found an inner strength that pushes me to face life head-on. Even when feeling afraid inside, I can reach out for life with a gusto that I wish I had when able-bodied with health.

 

The frustration can be overwhelming every time I start lamenting”if only I had …”. It was during such a moment the first time the thought “I should have ran with scissors” went through my mind. And it was when I started pondering this whole subject it hit me – it was like being doused with ice water.

 

It isn’t that illness somehow infused me with some Samson-like strength  – it’s that illness pulled out what was always inside of me … facets of my personality and whatever strengths I carried inside but had long ignored, overlooked or downplayed due to a mangled sense of self. When I look back on my life and the choices made – or not made – I see a reflection of how I was feeling about myself at any given time.

 

So much of my life boiled down to the fear to venture into any unknown territory or believing I’m unworthy, undeserving of anything being allowed to dictate just about everything I did or didn’t do. I can’t let myself think about all of that too often because I end up feeling so angry with myself and that spills over into feeling angry with my life  … and there isn’t a thing I can do about it.

 

Well, that is, unless I find the cure for breast cancer and Lou Gehrig’s disease. Uh, one look at my grades in biology and chemistry would quickly squelch that idea. So, instead, I’ve been learning to embrace my life each day by enjoying what I can and pushing myself when needed. For one thing, I’m no longer afraid to express my feelings. Hmm, I guess that is somewhat obvious here.

 

Actually, I could share my feelings in words by writing them in a note – but  would rather sit in a dentist’s chair and ask to have a few teeth pulled sans Lidocaine  at the thought of giving my feelings a voice … until now.

 

Now I’m not afraid to live life instead of simply existing in life and allowing my insecurities, fears, moods, etc. to dictate my decisions, my choices, my day … my life. I’m not afraid to  show who I am inside … okay, actually I’m still working on that but I think I am making baby steps forward. Let’s see, oh, I’m not afraid to show my weaknesses … wait, um, I guess I do still struggle with the need to act strong for others.

 

The point is, I no longer try to hide behind my fears – I no longer take valid reasons for this, that, and the other just to twist them into excuses for not saying or doing something in my life. Yes, I still get afraid, I still have insecurities … it’s just that they no longer wield the same power over my life.

 

I’m learning I can feel afraid without turning myself over to the fear. I’m enjoying my life -I’m doing all I can to live it, really live it, and share it with those I love. And, something else I’ve learned is that, in life, there are times to just go ahead and …. run with scissors.

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Ctrl + Alt + Del = Getting Rid of Negative Thinking

Posted on November 24, 2011 by Peppy

 

It never fails. Scanning down the l-o-n-g list of emails sitting in my inbox on any given day, the majority will be junk mail. And if your like me, you have your trigger finger hovering over the delete button while scrolling down the list – del, del, del, del….. over and over it goes until all junk mail is gone.

 

Ah, it’s such a good feeling. It allows my mind to focus on the emails I know I will enjoy or that will be offering something meaningful, something of value to my life in some way. And anything I don’t care about, etc. is quickly eliminated with a stroke of a key.

 

Why isn’t it that simple when it comes to our thinking? Oh, how I wish I had a mental delete key that I could hit anytime my mind starts filling up with what I call “junk thinking” – negative, destructive, and/or self-limiting thinking.

 

Have you ever noticed how easy it is to think about negative things – it seems to take less energy. Yet, try to push certain thoughts aside and, crikey, you can work up quite a sweat! I’m not one who enjoys wallowing in negative thinking – I do tend to see life as “half full” – and yet, I have found myself rolling around a negative thought until I am second guessing everything and/or everyone, including myself.

 

Why is that? What is it about my brain that makes it grab hold of a thought that will only bring me down in some way? It has been in full swing over my upcoming surgery. I have been focusing on every bad outcome or circumstance possible to the point that I think I’m irritating my family. CJ pointed out to me the other day that I tend to ‘over-think’ things. Is that possible for a natural blonde?

 

At first I just looked at her – probably with a dumb look on my face while I engaged in “over-thinking” a smart aleck reply – but soon realized she is right. When I am perplexed, afraid, angry or insecure about something it’s as though my mind “bookmarks” the matter so that, no matter what I may be doing, it is always easily called back to mind for contemplating.

 

The problem with that is my contemplation is usually built around negative emotions. Those emotions then shape my attitude, my outlook and before I know it I am second guessing everything I know about myself and/or the situation. My perception becomes shaped by the negative emotions instead of what I know to be reasonable and sound.

 

I have finally come to the conclusion that it comes down to two simple words – choice and responsibility.  First of all, it is how I choose to look at and think about a matter. And with choice comes responsibility … I am responsible for the way I act, react, think, feel, and speak. Of course, all of that involves a concerted effort on my part, a measure of self control in the way I will think, feel, act, react, and speak.

 

To let the mind roam, to flit about at will, takes zero energy. All the stored data from previous conversations and interactions will flood the mind – and if there are any negative, angry, etc. emotions attached to those thoughts, well, that is what the mind will start feeding on until it envelopes my whole mood, outlook, attitude.

 

On the other hand, if I find myself allowing negative thoughts free reign –  when I put forth the effort needed to manage the direction of my thoughts it’s like hitting a mental delete key because I am, then, able to look at something in a constructive way … consider the pros and cons, to focus on what is realistic and not what my insecurities, fears, angst, and ignorance can conjure up.

 

It would be wonderful if ridding the mind of negative thinking was as simple as a key stroke, however, life is never that simple. At least, that is how it seems to be when it comes to the more important things in life. I mean, in my experience, work and/or effort has always been the foundation of anything I hold as valuable … my marriage, relationships, manner of life, quality of life …. all these areas of my life has needed something from me – some investment of time, energy, communication, trust, sharing, contentment – to make it what it is … and the result is a deep sense of happiness, a quality of life and relationships that I cherish.

 

I grew up hearing anything worthwhile took work, took effort. The value comes from investing something of ourselves – whether it be a physical or emotional investment – while things that come easy will be quickly forgotten, tossed aside, devalued. Once again, and, boy, would my mother love to hear me say this, but mom was right … so even though I can wish for an easy solution, I know I am going to benefit more by taking responsibility for my life and making the choice to keep working for a fulfilling, meaningful, and happy life.

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The Sister Connection

Posted on October 21, 2011 by Peppy

 

When I reflect on the years growing up with my sisters and brother, there can be no denying the way each settled into a place in my heart. Oh, we fought, whined, laughed, and played pranks like most siblings and there were even the times we didn’t want the other around. But through it all we never forgot we were family — we could pick at the other’s faults but it meant war coming from anyone else.

 

It was when the years moved us into young adults that I came to appreciate the unique aspects of the sister connection I had with my two sisters, CJ the oldest, and JB the youngest. There are six years between me and CJ and six years between me and JB.

 

It’s funny how our age differences had a tendency to pose problems when we were kids – I was forever wanting to follow CJ around, which at times made her mad, and was forever having to watch JB, which at times made me mad. However, for the most part we did okay as kids and actually found our age differences an attribute as adults.

 

We are first, sisters, and foremost, friends. We have our differences, we each have a stubborn streak to varying degrees and we tend to want to tell the other what to do … that’s okay because, after all, we’re sisters.

 

On the flip side we enjoy easygoing conversation that is always full of teasing and laughter. We go to each other with problems, hurt feelings, angry feelings, suggestions or whatever may be on our mind – knowing we will be listened to, comforted, and then encouraged … that’s because as sisters we remain connected and are friends.

 

My sisters are amazing women in their own right. They are talented, compassionate, witty, and honest. I know when I talk over a matter with them they will tell me if my thinking is on target or if it’s my attitude that needs adjusting; and, yes, I return the favor if asked.  Well, okay, sometimes I’m not asked – things just tend to happen when my mouth is in the room. But that’s altogether a different story.

 

Lately I have been thinking about the life I have shared with my sisters – the kids we were yesterday and the, uh, ahem, women we are today. Even though we have differences in how we look at various life issues – we allow that by respecting each ones right to personal choice – we never allow it to erode our sister connection. That is not to say we haven’t had our disagreements or anything typically normal among siblings – it’s just that we know we can have our snarky moments.

 

I can’t imagine my life without CJ and JB being a part of it.  These ladies who were the little girls I fought with, tattled on – well, that backfired on me so that was a one time deal, and played our childhood games with – like my “I can cut hair” game where I lined JB’s collection of German dolls up – they had real hair(!) – and I went wild with scissors … again, a one time deal. Woven through all those moments are fun times with belly busting laughter and a bond that kept us together through the good and bad times called life.

 

The last 15 years have had its share of unforeseen situations and heartache. It started with our mothers diagnosis of metastatic breast cancer – she lived a valiant 6 months and demonstrated how to blend determination, courage and dignity when facing a tough situation.

 

Around the time of mom’s illness CJ was diagnosed with an ulcer. She was still living in California at the time and was pretty much emaciated by the time she was accurately diagnosed with the ulcer. Then came my diagnosis with ALS, Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis or more commonly known as Lou Gehrig’s Disease. The progression has been slow in that I can still use my arms/hands; however, because “we” are choosing to trach and have feeding tubes “we” are living longer, revealing areas impacted by the disease that were formerly thought to be spared. Ahhh, I just love surprises, don’t you?

 

Then last year came my diagnosis of breast cancer and subsequent mastectomy and then, this past May, our “baby sister” JB had the motorcycle accident that resulted in her left leg being amputated.  Through it all I often think of how mom coped with everything she went through those last 6 months she fought her cancer. And when I look at CJ and JB I see many of those same qualities.

 

I see the determination to stand solid in support of one another , the courage to face every new situation with humor, and dignity in managing everything with a positive outlook while maintaining interest and compassion for others. Oh, I see other things too – I’m not trying to paint a picture of sainthood or anything so remotely impossible like that – but, again, that’s altogether a different story. I’m winking here, girls.

 

 

While we can’t know what the next unforeseen issue will be for us, we do know we will face it like we have everything else – as sisters connected by loyal love, as women connected by respect and friendship. Yes, I cherish these wonderful women who happen to be my sisters and hope all who have a ‘sister connection’ will take a moment to reflect on what it means to them.

 

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Have You Had Your Laugh Today?

Posted on September 16, 2011 by Peppy

The day is a wash out, you’re at your wits end, the end of your rope, the last straw and it has wreaked havoc on the nerves.

What do you do?

Perhaps you want to scream, throw something, pick a fight, have a tantrum or simply fall into a heap on the floor and wave a white flag in welcome surrender.

What do I do?

While I must admit to a time of being a bit more volatile, I have finally learned the wisdom of self-control. I mean, why waste all that energy on a tantrum or invest a piece of myself in such intense negativity?

Nowadays, when I find myself in the midst of bad day I look for any thread of humor in the situation …. and laugh.

I have found that having a good laugh defuses a situation, deflates a heated mood, and eats up any negative energy looking for an outlet faster than any full blown fit and it leaves you feeling better emotionally.

Yes, for me and my family, laughter is our best medicine, and defense, in dealing with the on-going issues that come with illness. Actually, when you consider the many and varied benefits of laughter, everyone should endeavor to imbibe in a good dose of humor. At the very minimum, try a smile, but if possible why not go for a good old fashioned belly roll.

Note some of the physical and mental benefits laughter has on our bodies and minds:

  • Strengthens immune system
  • Boosts energy
  • Diminishes pain
  • Protection against stress
  • Aids in relaxation
  • Alters negative perspective/perception
  • Enhances relationships

 

I have to say, dealing with stressful situations with laughter is something we have, generally, always done in my family – though it tends to be a somewhat macabre sense of humor. In fact, there have been times CJ and I are laughing our heads off over something related to my illness and Gene is just staring at us as though we grew another head or, uh, perhaps lost ours.

However, I’m happy to announce that we have slowly helped Gene relax enough to see that, yes, sometimes it’s okay to find humor in serious circumstances … and laugh.

Just this week, after Gene took me to see a Gynecologist Oncologist, I’m laying in bed mulling over the visit, ultrasound findings, and hearing I need a complete hysterectomy. You got it, I was feeling a bit sorry for myself. But not for long. What happened, you ask? Three words – I started laughing.

No, I didn’t lose my mind or anything like that. It started when CJ and LL popped over to talk about everything. Well, in my typical way of turning a short story into a L.O.N.G one, I veered off course from the more serious aspects of the appointment to how it was having Gene in the room with me while the exam and ultrasound took place.

Now, I have no intention of taking your mind to places you really don’t want it to go – trust me, I don’t want your mind going there either. But everything that happened during that appointment smashed to smithereens my 28 year stand on what I call ‘personal privacy rights’… and had me laughing till my cheeks hurt. Uh, my face hurt.

I would often be told that having children would squash my ‘personal privacy rights’ notion rather quickly, starting in the delivery room. I usually smiled at that comment but the whole time be thinking Gene would see everything from the view point I had – after all, if there is any part of me that I can’t see – why should he, right? I guess you have surmised by now that we never had children.

So through the years I have clung to certain ‘prudish’ sensibilities … and Gene has always been respectful of my feelings. That is, until illness happened. Now it has been necessary for Gene to invade my private space – and, boy, he not only invaded it last week but I think he made himself conqueror.

Describing the scene to CJ and LL had the three of us laughing so hard that, before long, my somber mood had been replaced with a more positive, lighthearted one.

It doesn’t mean that tears don’t have their place – it’s just that laughter helps moderate the tears to laughter ratio. I guess, for me, laughter has a way of taking the sting out of what I’m afraid of …  sort of a “if I can laugh at it, it can’t be that bad” way of thinking.

Through the laughter I can see all that I have to be thankful for in my life – the wonderful moments I share with people I love and their willingness to be a part of my journey. So the next time your struggling through the day why not take a moment to ask yourself …

Have you had your laugh today?

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“Home is Where… is WHAT … the Heart Is”

Posted on August 27, 2011 by Peppy

The word I would use to describe the environment I grew up in is drama … well, hmm, perhaps upheaval is a better choice … but, then again, now that I think about it, unknown is a good word. Actually, all three – and a few more I won’t even bother with – describes aspects of our home environment.

Typical when a parent has an alcohol addiction. Now, make said parent the step-father and the three aforementioned descriptive words are intensified. Yes, obviously a case of tangled hearts lived in our home.

That is all I need to say about my home environment here. However, it needed to be addressed because it plays into the importance I place on the environment Gene and I share in our home.

Life stresses, and probably most importantly, the way we respond to the stresses have a way of seeping into the home environment and undermining its general tone – whether it feels calm and peaceful or has an undertone of heaviness from simmering hostility and/or frustrations.

After my diagnosis with ALS, when speaking to various people, it became apparent that the disease is not only paralyzing and deadly to the body but to the relationships of ‘pALS’ (person with ALS). If married, that is the relationship that gets hit the hardest; which, as I’m sure you’re aware of, is true of any couple dealing with a serious and/or terminal illness.

When life gets turned on it’s ear it has a way of exploiting every idiosyncrasy that normally is overlooked or even found amusing or endearing about the person. In such a setting it no longer is amusing or endearing. As I contemplated the changes Gene and I were facing, and, more importantly, how they were impacting our relationship it became clear one of us needed a major attitude adjustment …. me.

Uh, huh. You just knew I was going to point the finger at Gene, didn’t you? Now, I’m not saying Gene is a saintly husband without flaws or quirks – but, the point is, we each are responsible for our own actions, reactions, feelings, attitudes, etc.  I can’t change Gene. In fact, looking back on some of the more difficult times in our marriage, it was always in relation to my trying to force Gene to change in some way.

But I can change myself.

I’m talking about changes that reflect the consequences of mulling a matter over in my heart – looking at it from all angles and weighing how it affects both of us, not just me, me, me. It has nothing to do with being a “people pleaser”, trying to be someone you’re not, because that will eventually catch up to a relationship. To me it’s being your true self while being true to those you love.

Ah, my true self. That was my problem – I couldn’t face my true self – I refused to acknowledge the changes in my life, our life. It created an anger that always seemed to be simmering below the surface, right below the surface, which meant little provocation was needed to cause an emotional geyser to let loose.

The way ALS has affected me physically has been difficult to deal with emotionally – the assault on my feelings as a woman created a sensitivity to everything Gene did or said. My perception was being shaded by my own insecurities and blown out of proportion by the simmering anger.

Everything that I thought had been safely stuffed away in my heart was seeping into our life at home. It was time to look at what was going on in there – clear the heart and clean the house.

  • I had to let go of the wanting for things to return as they once were, before illness.
  • Though I didn’t look forward to each day, I had to learn to embrace it.
  • While I still struggle to accept my prognosis, I am learning to acknowledge it.

It was time for me to stop being afraid of reality … because it was time to face it. Ahhh! That is when that sense of calmness became palpable once again when spending together time at home. I was no longer allowing my insecurities to influence how I listened to Gene because he was helping me to live in the moment – as I am -  instead of how I thought he wanted me to be.

Facing reality helps me see Gene as the man I married and not as the husband stuck with caring for me.  He is generous with his patience, tenderness, and humor. Oh, that doesn’t mean we don’t have our, uh, I’ll just call them “moments” … but, that is what they are – moments – and not drawn out stressful mini-series.

Yes, I have learned that while it may be that home is where the heart is … it’s so important to know what is going on in that heart.

 

Image: Salvatore Vuono/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

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Life’s Rear View Mirror: Glance Don’t Gaze.

Posted on August 11, 2011 by Peppy

Choices

Every single day of our life we are faced with something that calls for us to make a choice. Good or bad, the ones we have to make that confront us at the proverbial “fork in the road” result in consequences that usually become part of the framework we prop our life against. Hopefully we look back on the choices we’ve made and, for the most part, feel good about them. However, every time we make a choice we must face the possibility of it turning into a regret.

Regrets

While it is normal to have some feelings of regret when reflecting on the total sum of what is our life, focusing on regrets can become self-limiting, even destructive, if we become consumed by them. When consumed by regrets, they can distort the way we see our current life situation, thus convincing our heart we are unhappy, miserable, unworthy, etc. Unfortunately, in an effort to erase all-consuming regrets, we may resort to making emotionally charged choices that are destructive to our lives.

Life in a rear view mirror

It’s human nature to periodically look back to see where we’ve been in life. A sort of ‘life in the rear view mirror’ way of  checking out the ground we’ve covered through the years.  In a vehicle, when used as intended, the rear view mirror serves a valuable and helpful purpose. Of course, used inappropriately, and all sorts of problems can arise … even resulting in an accident.

The same is true with life … keeping our eyes on the past and we, ultimately, drive our life into a wall. I know because I lived so much of my life with my eye trained on the landscape behind me.

Interestingly, at least to me, is that my tendency to gaze behind and focus on every bad choice I ever made was more problematic when I was my “old active, be-bopping around self” – before illness impinged on my life. I would become consumed with regret over something I did/didn’t do, said/didn’t say, etc.  And, for whatever reason, it made me look at my life in all shades of gray.

Time To Look Ahead

What in the world had I been thinking? What a waste of energy, of time … of my life!  The frustration grew from realizing all the opportunities I missed … opportunities to make changes when it could have made a difference to my life – when I could have changed my point of focus which would have altered the direction my life was traveling.

It was after my life was turned upside down due to illness that I was impelled to look at things differently. One dark stormy day while watching clouds swiftly move across the sky I started thinking that was like my life – swiftly moving from one day to the next until the days blurred into weeks, months, and years.

Sitting in my wheelchair, the words “I hate this” kept going through my mind. Then, shifting my focus back to that dark sky outside, I watched the ever changing sky-scape where dense dark clouds were being pushed along by softer looking gray and white ones. I knew I needed to do much the same with my thoughts – push the weightier dark ones out of the way.

Gaze or Glance

I knew to do that called for control in how I looked at my life. Especially when looking back on my life, when looking in its rear view mirror.  I tell myself I have a choice – gaze intently and scrutinize my every step until the doldrums set in and the regrets start eating at me. Or, I can glance back with the view point of appreciating where I am today, that I’m even here today. And as far as any regrets that pop into view, I try to maintain the mindset of learning something from them and moving on.

I’ve learned the value in looking at each day with fresh eyes. Every morning I tell myself the quality of my day, its basic tone, is up to me. I can approach the day with an appreciative, positive attitude …. or not.

Now, that doesn’t mean I go around all day, every day, singing “It’s a wonderful world”.  I do have days where the yearning for my life as it once was is intense – the ache to walk, run, dance … to eat pizza, spaghetti, salad, an apple … to sit in a regular chair, wear heels, style my hair … etc. It could go on and on, however, when it seems the glance is turning into a gaze – when my thoughts move on to the things I wish I could change, to regrets – I force myself to stop then pull my focus ‘front and center’; to focus on everything I value, cherish, and appreciate that is right in front of me.

So, for me, no matter what turn life suddenly takes, whatever highs and lows are experienced – the measure of joy found in each day is tied to what I choose to focus on. The level of contentment in my life is in relation to how often I find myself looking back … do I glance or gaze at the life I see in my rear view mirror.

Have you ever thought about the way you look in your life’s rear view mirror?

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