“When we lose one we love, our bitterest tears are called forth by the memory of hours when we loved not enough.” – Maurice Maeterlinck

When I came across the above quote I immediately thought about my mother and how true those words for I have lived them often since she died. I think that is a part of my life that holds the greatest influence on why I feel compelled to share aspects of my life – my thoughts and feelings – so publicly via blogging.

The memories of mom are very often encased in tears of the “if only I had said …” variety and what makes it so difficult for me is that it didn’t have to be that way. My feelings were hostage to stubbornness and, well, immaturity. Everything was about my feelings. After all, who was the parent here? The adult? I mean, I was the kid therefore that automatically emancipated me of all responsibility. Okay, so I was 31 when mom waged her final battle with the breast cancer but I was the kid in the relationship. And trust me, I acted like one whenever …well, if I let CJ finish that sentence she would say I acted like a kid whenever I opened my mouth. I will stand behind my sister on that dig, uh, comment – just don’t tell her what I have in my hand. (wink, wink)

It all boils down to being able to set ourselves aside when we are with those we love. Now, before you get all discombobulated let me clarify that I am not saying lose yourself  in others – that’s another story altogether. It’s just that most problems in relationships stem from poor, misdirected or dishonest communication … our feelings become stuffed, overwrought, exaggerated, manipulated, and downright h-u-r-t. And we all know whenever that happens we tend to end up in our very own emotional bog. That is when we become so consumed with our own thoughts, feelings, wants, needs, etc. It makes everyone else’s life nothing more than a hazy mirror – we look at them but only see a reflection of our own issues.

Mom didn’t ask much from any of us during those last six months. She mostly wanted her four kids around her and we were happily there … we would pile on her bed and do all the talking, joking, laughing, and arguing while she just watched us with a contented half smile on her face. However, there were several times when alone with her that she would ask me a pointed question – one that set before me the possibility of our having a heart to heart. That is as long as I didn’t take the easy way out. I always took the easy way out.

Well, perhaps if I was completely honest with myself I would have to say I took the stubborn way out. And the passing years haven’t done anything to ease the regret that wells up in my heart any time I think about my mother. Because of the peculiarities of our relationship it was difficult for me to give mom whatever she may have been needing from me. I don’t want to make myself out to be some snotty little brat – though I am sure that is exactly what I acted like on many occasions … and it, now, is what taunts my heart while turning my memories into painful reminders of all that I missed out on.

I realize now it could have been so different – my memories much sweeter – if only I had set myself aside and, instead, validate whatever it was mom was saying, thinking or feeling. I also realize how complicated I made things because of the unsettled, unrequited feelings I carried with me at all times. The feelings were tied to my past, they were a part of my history that was unchangeable and, actually, relevant only to me at that particular time in life. It has only been the last few years that I have finally been able to see I have only been hurting myself, my relationships, by hanging on to negative, sad, angry emotions.

There isn’t anything I can do about certain regrets when thinking about my mother, well, other than force my mind to think about the good times and let go of what I cannot change. However, I can apply what I have learned in all this to the way I interact with my loved ones now. Whenever I feel any insecure, doubtful thoughts start to nudge my mind I quickly push them away before they can take root.

It’s interesting because I feel my relationships, my friendships have more depth yet, at the same time, there is a sense of ease, a comfortableness in them and all I can attribute it to is the lack of complicated emotions simmering in the background. I have no doubt that I will have times where I slip back into some of my old emotional habits, however, for the most part, I think I am on the right track in working through and weeding out old, heavy, dull, negative emotions. From now on the only time I want to have tears attached to any of my memories is when those tears are from laughing … and I’m off to a good start.

There are times when the world seems to be spinning in one direction and everything in my life is going completely opposite. It comes out of nowhere and usually hits with an overwhelming feeling of loss. The feeling can be so intense it turns to nausea and, well, with a feeding tube and trach it can become quite ugly so I do everything I can to settle things down, however, I am left with what I call “the pit”.”

I hate feeling “the pit” – come to think of it I hate being in the pits, biting on a pit, shaving …well, you get the point. Seems I hate anything to do with a pit but especially is that true when it comes to that gnawing emptiness that hits me in the stomach.

When such times hit all I want to do is run – as fast and as far as possible. Of course, being paralyzed makes that somewhat of a difficulty so I do the only thing I can … something totally and typically Peppy because it’s completely opposite from what I’m wanting to do – I shut down until a numbness settles over my emotions.

I have always anesthetized my emotions, slipping into a comfortably numb mode, whenever having feelings I don’t want to deal with or am scared to acknowledge. In fact, that is where I have been these past few months – only this time I would say it was more like being uncomfortably numb. It probably wouldn’t have been so bad if not for the frustration I felt from staring into the glare of my computer screen – the blinking of the cursor seemed to turn into a taunt every time I hit the delete button.

Looking at the computer screen … the very b-l-a-n-k computer screen … then down at my motionless fingers resting on the keyboard the wastefulness of it all hit me – the waste of time, emotional energy, crikey, of energy period, and when put together it adds up to a whole bunch of wasting life.

So much to say and, yet, I can’t find the words … nothing, nada, z-e-r-o. When I am in that numb mode it is almost as though my thoughts become suspended in my head. Every so often I string together a few words to form a sentence and begin to think I am finally starting to feel again only to lose the momentum and have the sentence split apart, the words falling back into a jumble in my head. Suspended thoughts, suspended feelings equals suspended life.

Numb. Comfortable for awhile but now quite uncomfortable. In fact, it seems that I have passed the numb point and tipped over into emotional lock down. I guess one good thing to come out of all this is it has shown me there really isn’t anything gained from running away from feelings – or, for that matter, from anything in life that I am too afraid to acknowledge, admit or accept.

Ah, there it is, that innocuous sounding word – accept. The word that can set my life on spin cycle – the word that I have been trying to ignore throughout all these years of dealing with Lou Gehrig’s disease. As strange as it may sound, I think I have been equating acceptance with giving up … the illness winning.

What’s odd and perhaps a bit surprising, at least to me, is how the diagnosis of breast cancer has been the un-doing of me. It was shortly after having the mastectomy that a numbness set in, though, at the time I looked at it as quite comfortable. I guess my lack of feeling was proof that I was okay with it all – at least that is how it works in Peppy’s world. Well, I should say that is how it worked in my world because I am no longer comfortable with numbing my feelings as a way of dealing with anything I don’t like in life.

To feel, to think, to think about the way we feel or feel the way we think … okay, okay, just checking to see if you were skimming or reading, however, there is something to that first sentence and, at least for me, it all seems to boil down to facing whatever life throws at us by embracing it, owning it. Actually, I am now of the opinion that is it especially imperative to take ownership of the feelings that initially repel us. Why? Because of the control they exert over thoughts, perception, demeanor. The things we think we are avoiding tend to be the very things that continue to weigh in on our outlook, our mood.

Now there is a resiliency to my mood – I mean, whatever is going on throughout the day and, however I may initially react, it is only a matter of minutes before my mood recalibrates back to what is typical for me …hmmm, which, I think my family would agree, is pretty positive, optimistic, and generally always looking for a reason to laugh. Of course, my sisters, CJ and JB, could probably add a few of their own adjectives but, hey, this is my blog – when they have a blog they can say anything they want about me … though it probably wouldn’t be true. Hey CJ and JB, I’m winking.

There are so many things I wish I would have figured out years ago. Yeah, yeah, hindsight is 20/20 – however, writing off personal responsibility with some cliché and a shrug of the shoulders is basically saying “Oh well, nothing I can do now.”

But there is something I can do. I can use my past to help me change the way I deal with things now. I can work on facing the feelings that normally send me running into hiding and, instead, acknowledge them, admit how I am feeling ….  now when it comes to the acceptance of things, well, that’s a tough one…. hmmm, two out of three ain’t bad.

I know, when you first read the title you probably paused a second wondering if it is a mistake. Well, no, it isn’t a mistake. It’s just that it struck me recently what we do to keep alive our memories of family or friends who are no longer in our life – they may be gone but not forgotten. Yet, when it comes to those still with us, well, it’s very easy to slip into a not gone but forgotten mentality without realizing it … until it’s too late.

This may sound a tad macabre, however, I’m not necessarily talking only of death as being the reason someone is no longer in our life. Now, I must admit that it was when thinking about the way my mother’s death initially influenced the way I thought about her and how I remembered our relationship. Mom had been diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer in March of 1995 and lived 6 months. It was during that time I got to know the woman I had called mom. In one of our conversations, mom looked at me and said she was afraid that we would forget about her after she was gone.

That conversation has stayed with me all these years, so that, when I find my thoughts have turned to mom I will often say to myself, “see, you may be gone but you’re not forgotten.”

It was during such a moment of reflection that I started thinking about the extent, the emotional effort, we expend in order to keep alive memories of those we love but are no longer with us. It dawned on me that, sadly, it’s often the reverse that is true when it comes to the people in our life right now … we get so busy with all things called life that before we know it we’ve allowed friends, even family, to become a part of an ever evolving and expanding group of forgotten people; the “Not gone but forgotten” ones of our life.

Day in, day out, we rush through jam packed hours only to get bogged down in what is right in front of us and feeling there is very little to give to anyone else. When it comes to communicating with friends and family the most we can do is shoot off a quick email – well, actually, that is archaic, now it seems writing an email has become too exhausting, so, a text is the preferred route of communication. I think texting has replaced emails for much the same reason that people prefer using those little note cards to regular writing paper … small space = less to write. Anyway, the point is we start losing touch with all but a few close friends and family.

We can be oblivious to transitioning friends into the not gone but forgotten slot, until, that is, something happens either to them or in their life. Then we start slapping our forehead – our perception has been altered – while reflecting on all the reasons we had been friends. Thinking about the friendship dislodges memories that had been pushed to the back of the mind and that rekindles the desire to call the person on the phone or, now hold on, we may even be moved to get in the car and, ahem, d-r-i-v-e over to see them in person.

Okay, perhaps I am being a tad facetious, though the above remarks were meant in a jocose vein. I mean, I can’t help but think it a bit funny, well, okay, mostly sad, in the way we will knock ourselves out to connect with an old friend with whom we’ve lost regular contact because something has happened to them or in their life. It’s as though we see the value in something when there’s a threat of losing it or when it has already been lost. Unfortunately, for me, it was experiencing the latter that forced a re-evaluation of the value I placed on family and friends.

I never realized how much I took for granted when it came to talking to my mother – all the conversations we should have had but, instead, allowed “all things life” to get in the way … besides, there was always going to be tomorrow. All the plans, all the times we said we were going to go out for lunch, have that heart to heart conversation, go shopping and, if not tomorrow, well, someday. Of course, when our tomorrow came it brought with it a whopping diagnosis of recurring metastatic breast cancer and so ‘someday’ never came.

I no longer assume I have someday, or even tomorrow, to spend a little time with someone I love. In fact, the lessons from that experience have expanded into many areas of my life because it has altered my perception of the people in my life, or, more to the point, my perception of their value as human beings – and that, in turn, impacts what I am motivated to do for the friendship.

Of course, that’s not to say there won’t be times you can’t and/or don’t connect with family or friends for one reason or another. Besides, if you’re like me, having quiet, alone time is a must have every now and then. But, in general, I have learned the importance of letting people know what they mean to me, to my life. Though illness has impacted what I can do for my friends and family I can still make sure they know they’re being thought about … and most definitely not forgotten.

Whenever we see something empty it is quite normal, and generally wise, to fill it back up. It can be anything from the need to fill up the gas tank, restock the candy drawer or recharging depleted computer/cell phone batteries. Depending on the perceived value or importance we give the tangible voids in our life is tantamount to how prompt we are to fill them. What about our emotional voids?

Do you find yourself groaning now that you realize the direction I am going– and it involves, once again, talking about feelings. Perhaps you are starting to think about the laundry that needs to be ironed, the garbage cans that need a good scrubbing, or anything else that would prevent thoughts from going beyond the arduous task at hand. It seems most will do anything to avoid facing their feelings – especially when they are attached to personal voids.

It isn’t always easy dealing with feelings – and when it comes to confronting our emotional voids, well, the anxiety of having to acknowledge them, let alone face them, can push us into hiding behind our life. How do you hide behind life, you ask? Actually it’s quite easy. In fact, we usually slip into hide and seek mode without even realizing what we’re doing. All it takes is finding a project, chore or mindless chatter to jump into … laundry, gardening, cleaning, errands are all excellent activities to hide behind because they consume the unspent emotional energy created by the feelings we refuse to acknowledge.

Actually, facing my feelings is something that has become a bit easier now that I can no longer hide behind life as easily as I once could.  What is frustrating for me is the realization that confronting emotional needs is far more easier, and far less complicated, then all the havoc  created whenever I jumped into some sort of project. Now I can see what a waste … not only of time and energy but of life.

What is the big deal when it comes to baring feelings? Is it fear to admit we have needs that we want acknowledged or filled – or is it pride? I think in my case it has been a bit of both. There was no way I was going to admit an emotional need or want and risk rejection or scorn so it became easier for me to just tell myself I didn’t need anything or anyone. It didn’t take me long to become convinced I was “an Island unto myself” – I just put a wall up around my emotions and on life went … without me. That’s right, I said without me.

My first glimpse into that reality was when my mother was diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer. During her illness I had to revisit many of the emotional voids I had carried since a child. Pushing past the fear that surrounded those voids was tough. However, getting past the anger that the fear gave way to was almost impossible. Fortunately something happened to help me see it, for the most part, boiled down to pride … and the need for me to get over myself.

I remember the day mom and I sat and talked about my perceived unrequited needs – those long–ago–yet–long–held–on–to childish needs that left gaping voids. She then shared her perception of the different situations I had brought up to her. We sat in silence for what seemed like hours but in reality was mere minutes before she looked at me and said, quite simply, “I wish I had known.” What! I spent years playing hide and seek with those feelings and everything was summed up in a matter of a few minutes and a simple statement … she didn’t know.

 Talk about an epiphany. My mother was flesh and blood – human – and not a mind reader. Now here I will veer off topic long enough to say that, while mom obviously was no mind reader, I do think she could … now come closer so I can whisper … see through walls! Ha, I can see my sisters, CJ and JB, as they read this – well, after they straighten up from leaning into the screen to hear me whisper … now, come on girls, admit it, you leaned forward didn’t you! I am clearly teasing – about mom seeing through walls, that is – though as kids we did find it amazing how she could be in another room yet always knew exactly what we touched, took or broke.

That conversation with my mother pushed me to re-evaluate the way I guarded my feelings with everyone in my life. In particular, it was realizing I had created most of the emotional voids I carried because I refused to face them, to talk about them … to feel them. I realized there were so many issues that could have been settled if I had simply allowed myself to feel the voids.

 Unfortunately, it wasn’t until after mom died that everything finally came to a head and I started lowering the wall that I normally kept my emotions behind. At first it was quite challenging because I had to fight the urge to ignore a particular feeling and, instead, face it head on. But, once I started acknowledging my feelings, wow, talk about a huge impact on just about every facet of my life. It has changed the way I see myself, my life, my relationships with family and friends.

I still have a ways to go when it comes to facing any feelings attached to my illness – not only facing how I personally feel about having a terminal illness but what I am able to share with friends and family. However, in general, I have to say I can surprise myself over the ease in which I am able to acknowledge my feelings … it has become easier to talk about them and move on.

I now see the aspects of my life that remained stagnant because it was tethered to certain feelings that I had been carrying for years … feelings that shaded my sense of self, my trust in others, my ability to express love. Yes, the emotional voids were heavy and tiresome yet, through the years, I dragged that emotional baggage with me everywhere I went.

That is, until that day when mom told me she wished she had known how I felt. Now, where my family and close friends are concerned, it is probably safe to say they know how I feel about them, our relationship, and anything and everything in between. I have found my friendships are warmer, the relationships deeper because feelings are unencumbered with all sorts of silent ruminations – you know, the “hmm, I wonder what was meant by that comment?” type of thought.

I guess you could say it has been somewhat liberating because my heart, my life, my friendships, and relationships are not tethered to hurt, raw, vulnerable feelings. I have learned it is important to acknowledge feelings, mine or someone else’s – no matter how insignificant they may seem – then talk about it. Yes, it really is that simple …. It’s called feeling the void.

I wish I had known.

Most of us enjoy hearing about other people’s life experience – how they handled, overcame, managed, coped with or endured various life circumstances or challenges. For some it is nothing more than a strange desire to feed on the salacious exploits of a persons train-wreck of a life courtesy of tabloid talk in print and media. Phew, say that in one breath!

That is a medium that has little to do with sharing inspiring, insightful, motivating life stories in a way that dignifies the person living the experience and more to do about titillation with money being the bottom line.

Interestingly, it has been the advent, and growing popularity, of the personal blog that is single-handedly changing the way life stories are being shared. I know, I know, one can readily find tabloid-driven exploitative blogs; however, there are countless personal blogs representing a cross-section of real life that are helpful and enjoyable to read. These are the blogs that helped shape the way I would write about, and ultimately share, my life experiences.

There are many talented writers out there covering a wide scope of topics on their blogs and, as the title of this post says, you can pretty much find “a blog for all reasons”. When I started my blog I knew I wanted to keep it simple and honest – to simply write about the way illness has impacted my life, my relationships, and keep it honest when sharing my thoughts and feelings about the experiences.

Initially, because I tend to be a private person, it was a bit daunting when watching my feelings spill out onto the computer screen, yet, if being honest with myself, it was also somewhat liberating. I am forever thinking about different subjects I want to write about – and if something should evoke a strong response from me my husband, Gene, will usually look at me and say, “uh huh, sounds like a blog topic to me.”

How to gauge the frequency of postings has been one of the biggest issues when it comes to blogging for me. Well, that and a bit of insecurity nipping at my heels… the last thing I want is to have an arrogant or miss-know-it-all tone when sharing my point of view on something. Of course, it didn’t help matters when I read the criteria many want a blog to reach before they will stoop to reading it is tied to the number of comments/subscribers listed. Huh? Wow, that is something I have never paid attention to when looking at a blog.

If the comment/subscriber number is the top criteria the typical Blog browser looks at before moving on, well, I’d venture to say they have been missing out on some quality blogs. I hope the next time you are surfing the net for particular information you will check out the lesser-known sites -  go ahead and check out bloggers who are plodding along because they genuinely believe in what they have to say … I think, no, let me rephrase that, I know you will be pleasantly surprised at the gems that are flying right under the viral radar of what we know as the Blogosphere.

How do I feel about and/or view my blog, The PeppyWrites Chronicles? Hmmm, in some ways that is a difficult question for me … and, believe me, it is one I have been asking myself quite a bit lately. I’m sure there are a slew of excuses I could come up with to explain the lull The PeppyWrites Chronicles has been in but, really, I don’t think it matters – what does matter, at least to me, is what lies ahead for this blog.

It was when mulling over these things that I started to think of all the blogs I have come across since starting mine. The blogs I enjoy reading or have sought out for technical or writing information have a broad range of popularity and yet, their level of popularity has never had an influence over my desire to continue reading them…. and I hope that hasn’t been an issue with mine.

Blogging, for me, isn’t about winning popularity contests. Now, don’t get me wrong, it would be fantastic to have countless readers subscribing to The PeppyWrites Chronicles – however, that isn’t why I started my blog nor is it what drives me. Though I must admit it did start weighing on my confidence … I’ve been wondering what I’m doing here which has, in turn, impacted my postings.

So, revisiting my reasons for starting this blog has been good for me. It has reminded me that it’s not a numbers game for me but, rather, I genuinely believe my experiences have something to offer anyone, no matter their situation. And there are countless well-written, inspiring, helpful, insightful blogs out there where, clearly, the blogger only cares about the quality of the posts being published and not the subscriber list or commenter numbers.

Yes, there’s a blog for all reasons out in the Blogosphere … and I hope The PeppyWrites Chronicles will be among them for a long time.

It generally takes a nano-second for something from a movie to grab the worlds attention and even less than that for it become the newest craze, faze, must-have or gotta-do. That is certainly the case when it came to the whole idea of people having a bucket list – before I could say “huh” everyone had created their own personal bucket list filled with all sorts of, well, I guess stuff they wished they would have done when young along with stuff they want to do before drawing their last breath.

No, I don’t have a bucket list and, no, I don’t plan on creating one either. Oh, it’s not that I’m wanting to be contrary and I’m certainly not wanting to belittle the concept behind the bucket list. It’s just that it has an all too familiar sound of something I have been carrying around throughout my life … untapped goals and regrets. I do think the whole idea of having a bucket list sounds more simplistic and positive – it gives one the impression of being in full control of their life and all that is needed is to tick off each item on the list as it gets fulfilled.

That can be especially tantalizing when living smack in the middle of  a life-altering situation that has wrested all sense of control from our hands. Suddenly all the “things-we-wanted-to-do-but-didn’t” take on new meaning to where it becomes important to experience them before, well, as the saying goes, “kicking the bucket.”

I don’t know, maybe I’m missing something here. Well, other then a few screws. But seriously, we all have unfulfilled dreams, goals, plans, and/or ideas to some extent. And it seems tragedy or some sort of life changing situation moves us to focus on those untapped or unfulfilled life moments. Suddenly we see our life in a whole new light … and it isn’t a very flattering – or realistic – light. It makes our life look less-than-what-it-should-have-been and somewhat emptier and duller.

In movie land, for the person facing the ending of his life, the bucket list is the panacea for all those missed life moments – you know, all those goals, dreams or hopes that once lay ahead of their life and were, for whatever reasons, never realized. Of course the ending is always done in movie land style as well. We get the feel-good-ending of completed lists, lessons learned, relationships deepened and everybody lives happily ever after … well, everybody minus one.

The problem is life isn’t like what we see in movie land. Energy, resources and time are precious commodities to the person dealing with serious illness – and most have very little to nothing in reserve to expend on reliving past unfulfilled moments.  I guess I just don’t “get it” because I feel it is more important to be able to see the beauty, the positives, the accomplishments we can experience in life each and every day.

I have regrets in my life, there are missed opportunities I wish I would have grabbed when placed within my grasp. But, the fact of the matter is, I am not that person anymore. There are so many things I placed an importance on or put meaning into that no longer matter. I’d like to think it’s due to a consistent rate of emotional growth through the years – okay, some call it maturity however when slinking around the middle age years that term sounds so, oh, I don’t know, o.l.d. But it was having my life hit with illness that forced me to rethink the way I looked at my life … and myself.

That is when I learned slumbering through all the “should have, could have’s” and revisiting all missed moments could be counter-productive and even destructive. Shortly after my diagnosis with ALS, aka Lou Gehrig’s disease, I remember thinking I didn’t want to let sadness, anger, regrets or any other negative emotion consume my thoughts – I didn’t want the illness to define my life.

To do that I need to focus on life as it is right in front of me. I don’t have the energy to reach back in my past for things that had more to do with who I was at a particular time and age. And though I have to admit to times of immense grief over the way my life is ending up, I have to say, for the most part, I feel an inner happiness and contentment with life. I have amazing family and friends who have shared their love, support, interest, concern, and laughter.

It’s just as I said – a bucket list is not what it’s cracked up to be.

Cell phones. What can I say? Well, actually there is a lot I could say however I will, instead, focus on an area in life that cell phones seem to be impacting in different ways and to varying degrees. You know what I’m talking about, don’t you? Yes, I’m talking about relationships.

If the title “Relationship Cell-out” didn’t give it away then perhaps you personally have experienced the frustration that comes from having your conversation cut short because the person you’re talking to has to answer their cell phone. And have you noticed the number one excuse given to explain why the call must be taken is “it’s important”? Excuse me? What am I, chopped liver?

Let me just take a minute to say I absolutely believe cell phones serve a real purpose and have their place in daily life. Gene and I rely on the cell phones texting feature every day. Since I can no longer talk on the phone I simply text him back when he calls to see how my day is going or if I need anything. And the list of ways people use the cell phone in their personal or work lives is endless. The reasons we use cell phones is not what I’m talking about here. I’m talking about when they’re answered.

Now, before I go any further I want to stress I’m not saying all incoming calls should be ignored. I know there are important calls that must be acknowledged promptly or an unexpected call comes in from an out-of-town friend most certainly should be answered. Come on, we all know the calls that need immediate attention and ones that can be put off till later … ahem, isn’t that why there is that neat feature called voicemail?

At least that was the argument I used on Gene when I found myself feeling a wee bit resentful after frequent interruptions to our time together so he could answer his cell phone. Yes, I will admit to feeling a little jealous of Gene’s cell phone. But I couldn’t help it, really. It was as though it was programmed to ring any time we were having a great heart-to-heart talk or  simply chit-chatting while ‘chillaxing’ together. Of course, after the call the pleasant tone of our evening was sullied with my sour mood.

That is when the phrase “Relationship Cell Out” went through my mind. Was I just being selfish or silly? I mean, here I am, a 48 year old woman, well, okay, in this instance I’m probably acting more like a kid because I’m getting irritated that Gene’s cell phone is ringing … and it isn’t as though he has any control over someone calling him. Yet, neither of us could ignore the cell phones regular intrusions on our time together – and while he couldn’t control the incoming calls he could control when he answered those calls.

Though I have always been careful to avoid using my illness as some sort of “entitlement card” – as if having a disease gives me the right to place demands or expectations on Gene’s time – but we both realize it does have a bearing on the way we use our time together. And because of where I am in my fight to keep living with Lou Gehrig’s disease we know things can change quickly that will put an end to my fight. That realization has helped us see it is the time we spend together along with the importance we place on that time … and each other … that is valuable.

When you think about it, the quality of our relationships is a reflection of the time and importance we place on them. So when a ringtone suddenly invades that time and then hearing the reason it must be answered is that “it’s important”, well, that touches off those strange emotionally charged feelings of resentment, jealousy, competition and/or frustration. I no longer think it is a silly notion to feel something like a cell phone can have a negative affect on relationships. Anything that can undermine the sense of value we feel in a relationship or at least make us feel it is being threatened, well, that isn’t silly.

So I am happy to say I have made peace with Gene’s cell phone, dents and all. Oh, you’re wondering about the dents? Well, cell phones are for talking … the shape is totally unsuited for throwing out windows. Heyyy, I’m just t-e-a-s-i-n-g, I would never do that … but I must admit to times of wishing I could. But seriously, the cell phone is no longer allowed to be intrusive or a time controller in our life. Yes, it may seem like such a little thing but for us it happens to be the so-called little things that mean so much.

I don’t get out of the house that often anymore so when I do go somewhere, well, that’s a big deal to me. Whether it’s going to a store, an appointment or simply to go for a little drive we do everything we can to make the most of it. For me, the way illness has impacted my life, the main way I can demonstrate the value I place on my relationships is through the time I spend with those in my life – it is how I can show their importance to me. That is why time is special to me – however, because of the time constraints crowding relationships in this hustle bustle world, I would think time is special for everyone.

It shouldn’t take illness, tragedy or any other sort of life altering situation to make us stop and re-evaluate our lives and rediscover what is truly important to us … and yet it usually does. Unless, of course, we read a blog where some know-it-all lady talks about all the things she has learned since illness turned her life upside down and hopes any who read her blog can find something helpful or beneficial to their own lives, whatever their situation or circumstances.

Whatever your life circumstances why not set aside a little time to spend with a good friend or special someone and muzzle your cell phone …. and see if you notice any changes in you, your attitude, your relationships …. if not, well, hmm, perhaps your someone who should just stick with your cell phone.

photo courtesy of: http://www.freedigitalphotos.com

Are you a happy person? If you were asked that question how would you respond? Do you need to break your life down into sections then weed out the areas that leave you feeling flat and pull forward the ones you feel are the closest to being happy?

I’ve been thinking about happiness quite a bit lately – what makes me happy or rather, more to the point, I’ve been wondering why it is I feel a genuine inner happiness now even though I’m living with the daily challenges of ALS along with the quiet fear my breast cancer will return; however, there have been so many phases in my life when I felt really low, unhappy, and yet I was a healthy active person leading a full life. What’s up with that?

Well, that’s what I’ve been wanting to figure out. It has become clear, at least to me, that happiness isn’t really a by-product of a specific life situation or circumstance. Though I must admit that I did have a tendency to link aspects of my happiness to the tangible things in life – the things beyond myself. But I’ve since learned the tangibles of life are really nothing more than what I call ‘life-fillers’. Those things are nice and, yes, I absolutely admit to feeling an initial joy and/or excitement when finding that perfect pair of shoes or making plans to redecorate a room – but it is just that … the enjoyment of an isolated something that has zippo to do with my feeling genuinely happy. Because that, I have since discovered, comes from within myself.

It isn’t that I am always giddily happy with a goofy smile on my face … hmm, well, uh, actually, come to think of it, when it comes to the smile I do hear frequent comments about always having one on my face – but they’ve never said it was goofy … at least not to my face. The point is I’m not in some perpetual happy state of mind. There are days it takes a lot of effort to control my thoughts – to keep my mind from wallowing in negative thinking. Of course, I’m certainly not trying to imply I can always control my thoughts – I can’t and I don’t.

It’s the pattern of thinking I’m referring to here – the way I approach each day and what my mindset is regarding everything going on in my life as well as those who are a part of my life. I no longer allow myself to mull over things that I have no control over or I can’t change… and again that pertains to everything going on in my life as well as those who are a part of my life.

Learning to let go of thoughts pertaining to things I have no control over or can’t change was quite a challenge … a true inner struggle … until a conversation with Gene. Ah, my dear hubby Gene. He has a way of helping me to look at myself to see traits I may be overlooking, well, or ignoring. That’s when I learned that perhaps what I needed was to work on humility. Huh? It was in that split second when all sorts of thoughts surged through my mind – and no, none were anywhere near being positive – that I knew he was on to something. Oh, okay, he was right.

I had never equated my tendency to mentally hash over unchangeable/uncontrollable issues with a lack of humility and/or modesty. And yet, really, those are the very qualities needed any time a matter is out of our hands or none of our business. Knowing our limitations, shortcomings, and weaknesses can help circumvent any tendency to “take on life” alone – as though we are the only one capable of doing everything. It is then we can let go of whatever issues or people problems that are weighing down our thoughts and leaving us feeling unhappy with ourselves, our family, friends or life.

It isn’t that I don’t think about problems or ignore those of my family or friends. I don’t, uh, I mean I do, but I’ve also learned that in most cases the only thing I can change is my attitude – and that is accomplished only when I change my thinking. You see, we always come back to our thoughts … making a link to what we think and how we feel about ourselves, our family, friends … our life.

So, if you want to be happy just close your eyes, click your heels 3 times, and say “I think I am, I think I am ….  if you end up in Kansas, well, you’re on your own.

Are you afraid to be alone? Do you hate to shop, eat, play or work alone? For many, being alone is something to fear, to dread, and they avoid it at all costs. I know I have gone through times in my life when it was unthinkable for me to do something, anything, alone. After all, when we have people around us then we won’t be – we can’t be – lonely, right? At least, that is what I used to think. However, since the change in my circumstances I have had to rethink what connection, if any, between being alone and feeling lonely.

Like so much of everything else in life, there is the tendency to look outwards when it comes to our feeling love, happiness, fulfillment, etc. It is the same when it comes to loneliness – we think loneliness is about people so if we want to avoid loneliness we need to be around people. Now, that may prevent us from literally being alone but it doesn’t necessarily prevent us from feeling lonely. That is why it is possible to be in a crowd of people yet feel all alone. Or, as I have discovered, why we can be alone and not feel lonely at all.

There is a sense of personal responsibility that must be tapped into, even a measure of humility, to see that most of what woes our hearts and minds comes from within our own self. As an able-bodied person, any time I was having a low day, feeling lonely or whatever, I could quickly and readily be with my friends by picking up a phone or jumping in my car. Now that illness has altered the way I interact with people  – I can’t talk on a phone nor jump in my car – I am alone quite a bit. And yet, I can honestly say I rarely feel lonely! I had to ask myself what was it that was preventing me from feeling lonely though alone.

Upon taking a hard look at myself I saw the biggest difference was my attitude. As the illness eroded into my daily ability to interact with life, my challenge was figuring out how to embrace these “new” life circumstances without accepting them. I refuse to accept this illness – I feel if I accept it then I will begin giving in to it. This is the attitude that keeps me fighting … and ultimately prevents me from feeling lonely. How? Because I keep my mind busy, active, in various positive and/or productive ways.

That is when I came to see the role attitude plays in most feelings of loneliness. In my situation I have seen the connection between my choosing to feed my mind with things that contribute to a joyful, happy, contented mindset and my actually feeling that way. Oh, don’t get me wrong. I am not Ms. Suzy Sunshine 24/7 … I will readily admit to having days where I feel angry, sad or scared because of this illness and how it impacts my every waking moment. However, I just don’t allow myself to linger in those negative feelings – and sometimes it can be a real inner struggle because it’s as though I just want to drown in them.

Yet, I know that would be a miserable existence … not only for me but for Gene and everyone else in my life. Actually, I would probably find myself truly alone if I was regularly negative while nurturing a complaining state of mind … and I have no doubt that such an ugly disposition would really leave me feeling lonely.

Yes, the mind is truly an amazing thing. To think that by being selective in what I fill it with each day, I am able to rise above my circumstances and feel a sense of enrichment, purpose, excitement, etc. There are so many things I cannot control when it comes to my illness and the way it affects my life – however, I can control what I think about, ponder, meditate on, dream, hope for … on and on it can go. It is an endless opportunity to control an aspect, a very important and vital aspect, of my life – the way I think about everything – and I can make it as miserable and lonely as I want or as enriching, lovely, engaging, and enjoyable as I want.

Now, I hope I’m not sounding a bit of a ‘brag-a-diva’ here because, though it is something that must come from within, it is fueled by the special people in my life. I am ever so thankful,  and appreciative, for having friends and family who have remained a part of my life – because it has been their special qualities, their own positive way of seeing life and the way they share it with me that has helped influence my drive to keep fighting by maintaining an overall positive attitude.

It is possible to be alone without being lonely. In fact, I have finally learned to be comfortable with my own company. And when I do get together with my friends there is a genuine spirit of camaraderie while we talk about anything and everything. So, whether I am with Gene, my sisters, my friends … or all by myself …. I think of my life as being full and enriched therefore I feel my life is that way.

Big ideas. That is what goes through my mind whenever I come up with some sort of schedule for the month ahead only to find very little was accomplished because I lost focus. And what contributed to my loss of focus? My big ideas.

Writing has always been an outlet for me and the reasons that first compelled me to start this blog continue to influence my hopes to keep it active. However, I have always wanted to write a book. Yes, you heard correctly, I said I’ve always wanted to write a book.

That comes under the heading of big ideas – and is what caused me to lose focus. Well, actually it started with an article raving about a training program for self publishing on Kindle. After researching some reviews on it, etc. I decided to join and, well, I’ve been so focused on that to the point of losing balance and getting behind on everything else.

My first project was to get a book published on Kindle. The point is gaining experience so it was to be something short – in fact, I had to laugh because after the book is published I was told I should buy a copy … so to have at least one sale! I’ve decided to give my sisters the money to buy a copy too. Then I’ll have three sales.

I also want to start posting regularly or at least once a week here but must admit to a bit of a struggle within myself. I have been questioning who I think I am to think there is anything about my life experiences that could really matter to anyone other than me and my family. After all is said and done, however, I do feel the insights into how illness impacts relationships, influences attitudes, etc. is worth sharing …. and I do enjoy it.

I know it is easy to lose interest in a blog that remains the same for long periods of time therefore, I certainly appreciate the support of those who have continued to take the time to stop by. Part of the problem is that in my mind I am still able to do what I once could before ALS entered my life – it’s a mindset I just can’t seem to change to fit my current circumstances. But I’m also not so sure that it is necessarily a bad thing. I mean, it keeps me from seeing myself as, well, I guess as I really am … unable to do the things I want to do.

Until now, that is, because …. drum roll here …. my book is ready to be published! No, I don’t have any delusions about myself as a writer – I just hope everyone else does. When it goes live on Kindle I will be sure to share that little tidbit here. To do that I need to hit the “submit” button …. ahhh, me and my big ideas.

Oh, the name of the book is “Mama’s Boy” and is a short story dedicated to my brother.