Chasing Beauty

Posted on January 26, 2012 by Peppy

As consumers we are constantly bombarded with slick images of beautiful people enjoying life in beautiful places while surrounded by beautiful things. The message is clear, beauty is the ticket to gaining everything and anything one could ever want.  Yes, the bombardment of ‘beauty propaganda’ has skewed our very perception of beauty and its value: beauty = success, love, and happiness.

 

And yet, even though we will staunchly assert we believe real beauty comes from within, there are the inevitable traps that, if not careful, has us ‘chasing beauty’ whatever the cost. I mean, we can’t help it when considering all the slick marketing we are bombarded with in television commercials, magazine ads, billboard imagery, etc.

 

Fortunately I had two strong influential aspects from my childhood that prevented me from chasing beauty: parents and siblings. Though my mother would stress the importance of “putting your best foot forward” in dress, grooming, and manners she made it clear that it is what and who we are at heart that really matters.

 

Of course, my siblings kept me humble when it came to looks through the constant critiques or reminders of all imperfections and flaws. For instance, by pointing out the zit on the tip of my nose for the millionth time. And, speaking of my nose, I can’t even begin to recount the countless nose jokes I grew up hearing.

 

Now, I’m not saying I was immune to the concerns, worries or insecurities regarding my looks because, after all, I was a typical teen – but I’ve never been consumed with my looks. And while I can appreciate beauty I’ve never been able to understand the power it wields … from being used as a manipulator for selfish gains to compelling girls to, literally, starve themselves to death.

 

What’s sad to me is how hard we can be on ourselves as women, wives, friends, sisters, and mothers when it comes to looks in general and weight in particular. The perception of beauty has been skewed because we have allowed technology, such as Photoshop, to define it for us. In Photoshop world the only dimples you see are as exclamations on a gorgeous sparkly white toothy smile and every body is svelte and toned.

 

Why am I talking about this? Because so many are chasing beauty – well, an unrealistic definition of beauty – to the detriment of their health, their sense of worth, their emotional well-being, and happiness. And for what? To look like an image that has been re-touched so much that it doesn’t even look like the woman that posed for the picture. And yet, think about this: at some point looks have to be backed up with something more meaningful.

 

For instance, we all have met people whose physical beauty was ‘betrayed’ by an ugly personality and in no time at all we begin to see the person through their personality … ugly. What is so wonderful about this, however, is it also works in reverse – people who may not be pure beauties physically become transformed by a beautiful personality and we quickly start to see them as beautiful.

 

Is the way we see beauty really that important? I think so – at least, that’s the conclusion I’ve come to from my own personal experience. Why? Because if my relationship with my husband was established on looks, well, I’d be in a lot of trouble … we would be in a lot of trouble … and probably would not be enjoying a close relationship now. Why? Because my disease has been having fun rearranging the way my body looks.

 

Just call me Mrs. Potato Head. Remember those silly toys? First it was a Mr. Potato Head until a company ‘suit’ decided to introduce a Mrs. to the line – hey, all things equal when it comes to playing with looks … and they start early with ‘it’ being all about looks. Anyway, I’m far from the, uh, hee, hee, wink, beauty that Gene married. Actually, my sister, CJ,  would probably say I would never have been able to run fast enough to chase down all the beauty help needed to give me the right to even joke about being one.

 

However, in all seriousness, I not only struggle with the way illness has impacted my looks in general but particularly how I look to my husband.  I have a feeding tube in my stomach … I have a tracheotomy in my neck … I have an ugly red scar where my right breast was removed … and, while I’ve alluded to the next thing I’ve never had the guts to just say it – but it must be included because it’s part of what affects my self esteem regarding how I look … I have to sleep wearing a diaper. I cringe inside when Gene has to look at me even though he has only been wonderful about everything.

 

I’m not alone when it comes to experiencing something that has drastically changed my body. I think of my sister, JB, and how she is having to face this very issue as a new amputee … and her amputation is as high as is possible before having to have part of the pelvis removed. I think of all the faceless, nameless women with mastectomies, limb amputations, are burn survivors, or have some sort of paralysis.

 

If everyone in any aforementioned situation has gone through life chasing beauty because of believing looks are needed to succeed in life and love – what happens when the “image” has been distorted from illness or injury? Sadly, I’ve heard numerous stories of women who have found themselves alone because their mate couldn’t handle touching let alone looking at their altered body.

 

Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate beauty as does Gene. I care about my appearance and looking my best. Yes, I like it when Gene comments on how I look before we head out the door … but first and foremost, I want to be valued for who I am – I want to be loved for what I contribute to our relationship and not because I have abs of steel. Okay, I don’t have abs of steel but I’m just saying, you know, I wouldn’t want to be loved for something so superficial.

 

I know the thoughts and feelings expressed here really don’t amount to anything more than words on a screen because chasing beauty springs from an individual mindset – it’s a personal issue that everyone must decide for themselves. However, I hope that by sharing what I’ve learned through my experience will motivate others to give serious thought as to their true feelings regarding the role looks plays in their lives – the energy expended in trying to look like an image that no human could realistically attain.

 

Come on, Ladies, it’s time we embrace who we are – curves and all – with a sense of verve because, if nothing else, we’re alive … we’re a part of this awesome universe and we share our little piece of it with people we love. And, I don’t know about you, but when I look at the people in my life I see them all as quite beautiful.

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Running With Scissors

Posted on December 19, 2011 by Peppy

 

Growing up, I was forever hearing cliché’s meant to teach the uncertainties any given action may carry – that in life we have consequences that stem from those actions. Sometimes I’ve wondered if my mother’s penchant for having a warning cliché for just about everything influenced the way I became hesitant to step outside my comfort zone.

 

For whatever reason, I started to ponder the way I allowed fear to shape many of the choices I made in life. So it was from such ponderings that I looked at Gene and said “I should have ran with scissors.” He had a cute expression on his face while saying he thought that was a good title for a blog post.

 

It became clear our conversation was following two different paths. That isn’t unusual because of the way my tracheotomy impacts my voice. However, though it is something I’m used to, I must admit to frustration being my usual reaction. Yet, this made me chuckle because he had just settled the debate I had been having with myself on whether to put my ponderings in writing. Not to mention giving me the title.

 

It’s not that I think careless chances should be taken or the consideration of any consequences of an action should be ignored. In fact, I feel discernment and/or thinking a matter through is vital to making wise decisions/choices. So, no, I’m not endorsing the “throw caution to the wind” approach to life … but, rather, finding the balance and knowing how to identify chances we should take in life.

 

Once again, it is what I’ve learned through my illness that has been the instigation of these particular thoughts. I especially find myself going down this road when some aspect of function is starting to be impacted – the less I can do the more I feel angry with myself for missing out on certain life chances. Well, let me rephrase that … it’s not that I missed the chances, rather, it’s that I allowed fear, from the unknown consequences, to influence my decisions.

 

The irony, at least to me, is that after living with this disease that continues to slowly rob me of physical strength while reminding me in certain ways that it will eventually rob me of my life, I have found an inner strength that pushes me to face life head-on. Even when feeling afraid inside, I can reach out for life with a gusto that I wish I had when able-bodied with health.

 

The frustration can be overwhelming every time I start lamenting”if only I had …”. It was during such a moment the first time the thought “I should have ran with scissors” went through my mind. And it was when I started pondering this whole subject it hit me – it was like being doused with ice water.

 

It isn’t that illness somehow infused me with some Samson-like strength  – it’s that illness pulled out what was always inside of me … facets of my personality and whatever strengths I carried inside but had long ignored, overlooked or downplayed due to a mangled sense of self. When I look back on my life and the choices made – or not made – I see a reflection of how I was feeling about myself at any given time.

 

So much of my life boiled down to the fear to venture into any unknown territory or believing I’m unworthy, undeserving of anything being allowed to dictate just about everything I did or didn’t do. I can’t let myself think about all of that too often because I end up feeling so angry with myself and that spills over into feeling angry with my life  … and there isn’t a thing I can do about it.

 

Well, that is, unless I find the cure for breast cancer and Lou Gehrig’s disease. Uh, one look at my grades in biology and chemistry would quickly squelch that idea. So, instead, I’ve been learning to embrace my life each day by enjoying what I can and pushing myself when needed. For one thing, I’m no longer afraid to express my feelings. Hmm, I guess that is somewhat obvious here.

 

Actually, I could share my feelings in words by writing them in a note – but  would rather sit in a dentist’s chair and ask to have a few teeth pulled sans Lidocaine  at the thought of giving my feelings a voice … until now.

 

Now I’m not afraid to live life instead of simply existing in life and allowing my insecurities, fears, moods, etc. to dictate my decisions, my choices, my day … my life. I’m not afraid to  show who I am inside … okay, actually I’m still working on that but I think I am making baby steps forward. Let’s see, oh, I’m not afraid to show my weaknesses … wait, um, I guess I do still struggle with the need to act strong for others.

 

The point is, I no longer try to hide behind my fears – I no longer take valid reasons for this, that, and the other just to twist them into excuses for not saying or doing something in my life. Yes, I still get afraid, I still have insecurities … it’s just that they no longer wield the same power over my life.

 

I’m learning I can feel afraid without turning myself over to the fear. I’m enjoying my life -I’m doing all I can to live it, really live it, and share it with those I love. And, something else I’ve learned is that, in life, there are times to just go ahead and …. run with scissors.

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Ctrl + Alt + Del = Getting Rid of Negative Thinking

Posted on November 24, 2011 by Peppy

 

It never fails. Scanning down the l-o-n-g list of emails sitting in my inbox on any given day, the majority will be junk mail. And if your like me, you have your trigger finger hovering over the delete button while scrolling down the list – del, del, del, del….. over and over it goes until all junk mail is gone.

 

Ah, it’s such a good feeling. It allows my mind to focus on the emails I know I will enjoy or that will be offering something meaningful, something of value to my life in some way. And anything I don’t care about, etc. is quickly eliminated with a stroke of a key.

 

Why isn’t it that simple when it comes to our thinking? Oh, how I wish I had a mental delete key that I could hit anytime my mind starts filling up with what I call “junk thinking” – negative, destructive, and/or self-limiting thinking.

 

Have you ever noticed how easy it is to think about negative things – it seems to take less energy. Yet, try to push certain thoughts aside and, crikey, you can work up quite a sweat! I’m not one who enjoys wallowing in negative thinking – I do tend to see life as “half full” – and yet, I have found myself rolling around a negative thought until I am second guessing everything and/or everyone, including myself.

 

Why is that? What is it about my brain that makes it grab hold of a thought that will only bring me down in some way? It has been in full swing over my upcoming surgery. I have been focusing on every bad outcome or circumstance possible to the point that I think I’m irritating my family. CJ pointed out to me the other day that I tend to ‘over-think’ things. Is that possible for a natural blonde?

 

At first I just looked at her – probably with a dumb look on my face while I engaged in “over-thinking” a smart aleck reply – but soon realized she is right. When I am perplexed, afraid, angry or insecure about something it’s as though my mind “bookmarks” the matter so that, no matter what I may be doing, it is always easily called back to mind for contemplating.

 

The problem with that is my contemplation is usually built around negative emotions. Those emotions then shape my attitude, my outlook and before I know it I am second guessing everything I know about myself and/or the situation. My perception becomes shaped by the negative emotions instead of what I know to be reasonable and sound.

 

I have finally come to the conclusion that it comes down to two simple words – choice and responsibility.  First of all, it is how I choose to look at and think about a matter. And with choice comes responsibility … I am responsible for the way I act, react, think, feel, and speak. Of course, all of that involves a concerted effort on my part, a measure of self control in the way I will think, feel, act, react, and speak.

 

To let the mind roam, to flit about at will, takes zero energy. All the stored data from previous conversations and interactions will flood the mind – and if there are any negative, angry, etc. emotions attached to those thoughts, well, that is what the mind will start feeding on until it envelopes my whole mood, outlook, attitude.

 

On the other hand, if I find myself allowing negative thoughts free reign –  when I put forth the effort needed to manage the direction of my thoughts it’s like hitting a mental delete key because I am, then, able to look at something in a constructive way … consider the pros and cons, to focus on what is realistic and not what my insecurities, fears, angst, and ignorance can conjure up.

 

It would be wonderful if ridding the mind of negative thinking was as simple as a key stroke, however, life is never that simple. At least, that is how it seems to be when it comes to the more important things in life. I mean, in my experience, work and/or effort has always been the foundation of anything I hold as valuable … my marriage, relationships, manner of life, quality of life …. all these areas of my life has needed something from me – some investment of time, energy, communication, trust, sharing, contentment – to make it what it is … and the result is a deep sense of happiness, a quality of life and relationships that I cherish.

 

I grew up hearing anything worthwhile took work, took effort. The value comes from investing something of ourselves – whether it be a physical or emotional investment – while things that come easy will be quickly forgotten, tossed aside, devalued. Once again, and, boy, would my mother love to hear me say this, but mom was right … so even though I can wish for an easy solution, I know I am going to benefit more by taking responsibility for my life and making the choice to keep working for a fulfilling, meaningful, and happy life.

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The Sister Connection

Posted on October 21, 2011 by Peppy

 

When I reflect on the years growing up with my sisters and brother, there can be no denying the way each settled into a place in my heart. Oh, we fought, whined, laughed, and played pranks like most siblings and there were even the times we didn’t want the other around. But through it all we never forgot we were family — we could pick at the other’s faults but it meant war coming from anyone else.

 

It was when the years moved us into young adults that I came to appreciate the unique aspects of the sister connection I had with my two sisters, CJ the oldest, and JB the youngest. There are six years between me and CJ and six years between me and JB.

 

It’s funny how our age differences had a tendency to pose problems when we were kids – I was forever wanting to follow CJ around, which at times made her mad, and was forever having to watch JB, which at times made me mad. However, for the most part we did okay as kids and actually found our age differences an attribute as adults.

 

We are first, sisters, and foremost, friends. We have our differences, we each have a stubborn streak to varying degrees and we tend to want to tell the other what to do … that’s okay because, after all, we’re sisters.

 

On the flip side we enjoy easygoing conversation that is always full of teasing and laughter. We go to each other with problems, hurt feelings, angry feelings, suggestions or whatever may be on our mind – knowing we will be listened to, comforted, and then encouraged … that’s because as sisters we remain connected and are friends.

 

My sisters are amazing women in their own right. They are talented, compassionate, witty, and honest. I know when I talk over a matter with them they will tell me if my thinking is on target or if it’s my attitude that needs adjusting; and, yes, I return the favor if asked.  Well, okay, sometimes I’m not asked – things just tend to happen when my mouth is in the room. But that’s altogether a different story.

 

Lately I have been thinking about the life I have shared with my sisters – the kids we were yesterday and the, uh, ahem, women we are today. Even though we have differences in how we look at various life issues – we allow that by respecting each ones right to personal choice – we never allow it to erode our sister connection. That is not to say we haven’t had our disagreements or anything typically normal among siblings – it’s just that we know we can have our snarky moments.

 

I can’t imagine my life without CJ and JB being a part of it.  These ladies who were the little girls I fought with, tattled on – well, that backfired on me so that was a one time deal, and played our childhood games with – like my “I can cut hair” game where I lined JB’s collection of German dolls up – they had real hair(!) – and I went wild with scissors … again, a one time deal. Woven through all those moments are fun times with belly busting laughter and a bond that kept us together through the good and bad times called life.

 

The last 15 years have had its share of unforeseen situations and heartache. It started with our mothers diagnosis of metastatic breast cancer – she lived a valiant 6 months and demonstrated how to blend determination, courage and dignity when facing a tough situation.

 

Around the time of mom’s illness CJ was diagnosed with an ulcer. She was still living in California at the time and was pretty much emaciated by the time she was accurately diagnosed with the ulcer. Then came my diagnosis with ALS, Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis or more commonly known as Lou Gehrig’s Disease. The progression has been slow in that I can still use my arms/hands; however, because “we” are choosing to trach and have feeding tubes “we” are living longer, revealing areas impacted by the disease that were formerly thought to be spared. Ahhh, I just love surprises, don’t you?

 

Then last year came my diagnosis of breast cancer and subsequent mastectomy and then, this past May, our “baby sister” JB had the motorcycle accident that resulted in her left leg being amputated.  Through it all I often think of how mom coped with everything she went through those last 6 months she fought her cancer. And when I look at CJ and JB I see many of those same qualities.

 

I see the determination to stand solid in support of one another , the courage to face every new situation with humor, and dignity in managing everything with a positive outlook while maintaining interest and compassion for others. Oh, I see other things too – I’m not trying to paint a picture of sainthood or anything so remotely impossible like that – but, again, that’s altogether a different story. I’m winking here, girls.

 

 

While we can’t know what the next unforeseen issue will be for us, we do know we will face it like we have everything else – as sisters connected by loyal love, as women connected by respect and friendship. Yes, I cherish these wonderful women who happen to be my sisters and hope all who have a ‘sister connection’ will take a moment to reflect on what it means to them.

 

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