It’s a small word. One consonant, one vowel, and one syllable. And while I may have said it often as a toddler it definitely became more and more challenging to say as an adult – in fact, it seems to be a difficult word for most to say. You know the word … come on, on the count of three we will all say it out loud.
One ….. Two ….. Three
NO!
Such an easy word to say, eh? Yeah, right. It’s easy to say until we have to say it to a friend, a family member, our mate, a colleague or employer. Suddenly our throat feels dry. The world stops spinning – well, it hasn’t really, it’s just everything else seems to be at a stand still in relation to our brain which is spinning out of control, trying to come up with some sort of excuse that says no without our having to say it (that sounded complicated but you know exactly what I mean). There is a rumbling of the earth – except it’s just our teeth chattering so hard it shakes our whole body because we are watching their expression and it’s starting to turn us into a fraidy-cat!
But we realize they’re waiting for our reply so we start to answer – our tongue is glued to the roof of our mouth as we try to force out the word and it comes out something like this: “N-n-nooo problem!”
Why is No such a difficult word to say? This is something that I have given a lot of thought to through the years. Regardless of what was going on in my life, if someone asked if I could do something for them, I would. Now, 99.9% of the time I was happy to do whatever was asked of me – excuse me while my head deflates a bit – but seriously, I usually didn’t mind and I imagine that is true with most people. What I am talking about here are the times when there are mitigating circumstances that really calls for saying no to a friend, family or business associate.
It was after illness changed my life, changed the way I interact with the people in my life, that I finally started understanding why it was so difficult, sometimes impossible, for me to say no to someone needing or wanting something from me. Regardless of the consequences, of the impact it would have on me, my no always turned into a yes.
While I tend to cringe when saying this, I do think there were times I put myself behind the eight ball and said yes was from a lack of humility and modesty … I was simply too arrogant to recognize my limitations. As crazy as this may sound, having a jam-packed schedule that had my day running 20 minutes late before it even started somehow fed my ego because it gave me griping rights when asked about my day. I could slip into a sort of melancholy martyr serenade of my every move and when it was suggested that I, surely, must be super woman I could look down and say “aw shucks” … but, as you may notice, I didn’t say no!
Mostly, however, I think what made it difficult for me to say no was tied up with a basic human desire – to be liked, loved, needed. I’m not sure how it all began, however, at some point in my life I started tying up my sense of self, my value to others, with what I could do for them. As long as I could fulfill the requests of friends, family, co-workers, the man on the moon – okay, that was just to make sure you’re still with me – but the point is I was forever saying yes to everyone because to my way of thinking it was a validation of my being liked, loved, needed.
Funny thing about being a personality that can’t say no to anyone is the fact that we can and do say no to ourselves without any hesitation. Earlier I mentioned how illness prompted the examination of why I struggled voicing such a simple little word. It was also due to the illness I discovered the veracity in the words of one of the leading ALS researchers regarding the struggle those living with the disease have as they lose ability to take an active part in life thus “accepting they can be loved and/or needed by simply existing.”
The first few years after diagnosis, it seemed there were friends missing from my life – it was almost like they simply disappeared and I, initially, assumed it was just what I had always thought – I couldn’t do anything for them therefore I had no value and if I had no value to them, well then, see, I wasn’t liked, loved, needed. Of course, as people walked away there were others that walked in … and they helped me to not only accept there is still immense quality in life even if “simply existing” but how to be active in the lives of my friends and family through the sharing of thoughts and feelings in conversations and writing.
What does all this have to do with saying yes when the mind is saying no? It was when I became comfortable in my own skin, comfortable with who I am as a person, and I no longer allowed others to define my sense of self that I learned to acknowledge there are times I must say no. While it may seem, in many ways, this is a lesson I’ve learned a little too late that is not altogether true. There are times I have to say no when asked about a visit … it isn’t something I like to have to do, however, it really is necessary and I’ve realized most people completely understand.
Yes, I have finally learned to say no when my situation warrants it – and yet, it hasn’t been easy getting to this point … working through the underlying issues and emotional saboteurs that made it impossible for me to say no … and yet, as strange as this may sound, the impact this has had on my life – my relationships, myself personally – has been quite interesting.
But that is something I will talk about in another post. I know, you’re probably thinking why not the next post, right? It does make sense … but there is this incredible urge to say … um, to say … “N-n-nooo ….problem!” Hey, I did say it makes sense.
Hi Peppy!
I am still working on the “No”. I don’t even know why it’s so hard most times. Every now and then I get into a place where I’m so tired I have no choice, but then I go back again to saying yes. I’m looking forward to getting to place where I can let wisdom override the yes. Anyway, I hope all is well. I really enjoyed your post.
Hello Kiesha!
Thank you so much for stopping by and leaving a comment! Oh Kiesha, I can’t imagine how you do it – you were quite busy at the time you were helping me with this blog, and yet, not only would you make yourself available to be very helpful despite your schedule, but I was constantly amazed how fast you replied to every email! I must admit that, while I hope you will start saying no when you know you really should, I am so glad you didn’t say it to me.:) I hope you are doing well and, again, thank you for your kind comment.
I loved this post! I think most can see themselves in it. I agree that it is so hard to say no. When I have said yes and really wanted to say no I have to keep telling myself I can’t complain because it is no ones fault but my own. Looking forward to your next post!
Hello Carolyn,
Thanks! I like your attitude about not complaining because you put yourself in the situation. You are one who will DO for everyone regardless so I hope you will start practicing saying no more and more when it is necessary …and that includes saying no to me. I won’t talk to you anymore, but at least you can feel good that you said NO?. Thanks, again, for your support and comment!
Peppy,
NOOOOOOOOO way Jose! Just kidding…only in my dreams have I mastered this short word. I’m afraid this is one of those words that just when you think you have learned to use it skillfully, a new set of circumstances or people will come in your life that will show you just how far off you are. At least in my life. However, it stems from our love of people and wanting to do anything for those we care about and love, so it can’t be all that bad, right?……right?! Don’t get me wrong, I’m not naïve, and definitely see the need to let these training wheels fall off so I will keep at it. What a journey! That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
P.S. The way you have played an active roll in my life is by “sharing your thoughts and feelings in conversations and writing”. Some of the most meaningful, memorable, deep and thought-provoking conversations I have had with anyone in my entire life have been with you. Thank you for sharing that with me.
Sonia
Hello Sonia,
I completely agree with you in that our “love of people and wanting to do anything for those we care about and love” is a good thing and it’s a good reason for saying yes regardless of the personal impact! I hope my friends/family know, believe, and feel that I will absolutely always want to be there for them whenever they need me.
This post was more about my own journey towards self-respect by acknowledging times I pushed myself and said yes to something but for all the wrong reasons; as well as recognizing the unfortunate reality that people can take advantage of or take for granted a willingness to be helpful. The follow-up post goes into this more.
I’m glad you shared your thoughts(!) – I’m thinking it’s time for a “hen party” … do I hear a YES?
Hey Peppy,
This post had me smiling all the way through – the way you smile at something that rings so true. Our first word is “NO!” And we use it with relish and power. And often. And we are so cute, no one would think of withdrawing their love. As we grow, we learn the value of cooperation, kindness and a helpful spirit – all good and necessary qualities. But somehow the desire to please others starts to override what is best for us – especially with girls I think? And “no” seems like a bad word.
I loved your post and how this tendency provided a sort of revelation when you became sick. I can identify with your personal observations and I think many others would too. Ahhhh, balance – that daily goal.
As always, you write with such eloquence and honesty – thank you Peppy and please keep writing!
Tracy
Hello Tracy!
I’m so glad this was something that brought a smile to you! I really loved the way you expressed the transition from the “cute toddler saying “NO!” with aplomb to the young adult no longer able to say such a word. Tracy, interesting, too, is your pondering on whether it is more so the case with girls. Hmmm, now that is something for me to think about!
Thank you for your encouragement to continue with the writing – it is something truly appreciated! You know, this month kicked off the annual “National November Writing Month” challenge (NaNoWriMo) – writers from around the world sign on for the challenge to write 50,000 words, yes, that is fifty-thousand words, during the month of November. They came up with the word count because that is the average size of a novel… anyway, I brought all this up because I, uh, I signed on for it, so, you see I am completely honest when I say how much I appreciated your encouragement!
I hope you’re having a pleasant week!
Peppy
Hi Peppy,
That is awesome! You are such an excellent writer, I know you will succeed in both volume (50,000 words ?) and quality!
I will be rooting for you from afar ~
Tracy
Inspiring article, it got me thinking.
Thinking “No” and saying “Yes”, the fear of change and the fear of confronting change.